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Of Blisters and Diplomacy

BETTE FLAGLER spent a season as a guide - and guidance counsellor -- on the Queen Charlotte Track

"Does anyone have any film?" the middle-aged daughter asks.
"I have some film on my teeth," her octogenarian father answers.

You are five minutes into a four-day guided walk and you are the guide. Each week, you hike the 71-kilometre Queen Charlotte Track, you laugh at jokes, cry tears, comfort blisters, fix blown-out boots and tell a new group that Queen Charlotte was the wife of King George III.

"Wasn't that the mad King George?"
Yes, you tell them, he was mad.

Your fantasies of guiding occurred during the summer of the worst drought in Marlborough's history. It was day after day of sunshine, inescapable heat, uninterrupted blue skies; you were dying to get out of the office and into the bush.
Your reality of guiding occurs during the wettest summer in history. Mud, slippery clay, slop. The rain surpasses the abilities of your overpriced jacket. Your toes are prunes and your Italian boots are soaked and caked in mud, but you get paid to smile.

The tramp begins after a water taxi ride to Ship Cove, where Captain Cook anchored five times during his three voyages around the world. "He only went to Australia once," tell them with a wink, especially if there are Australians present, and there always are.

It's a 45-minute climb, straight up through virgin forest. Warn the group to take their time, look at the trees, listen for the bellbirds, taste the honeydew that drips through the bark of the beech. But they're excited and just out of the box.
The Department of Conservation has cleverly placed interpretive signs on the occasional flats. Unfortunately, some of the trees on the signs can't be found in these spots, so take these opportunities to point out trees and plants that are present.

Like rangiora - "Bushman's toilet paper," you say with enthusiasm, "feel how soft it is, and white underneath. Just like double-ply."

And supplejack. "You could swing like Tarzan on this stuff. In the right conditions, supplejack can grow half a metre a day."

Show how it winds itself around other plants in an attempt to reach the sun.
While boiling the billy at Schoolhouse Bay, tell them that the Marlborough Sounds are a series of intricate waterways and that the track is based on old bridle paths. That while camping sites are available, most trampers stay at lodges where meals and bar service are available.

Today, personalities are sorted. One couple has been married so long they communicate without words and are the envy of the pair that is a couple in name only. There is the self-appointed wine buff and the single person. This person will be hugely successful in their career, will be the most friendly, will always buy the guide a drink and lives in Auckland, Singapore or New York.

And then there is the loner, who doesn't engage in polite banter and who positions himself slightly away from the group during photos. This is the one to keep an eye on, the one who will not stay with the group, will not wait at appointed lunch stops and who will, quite possibly, walk out on a bar tab. He will know more about the bush than you and will be the only one to be stung by nettle. He will carry two walking sticks but will not, at the end of four days, have the hang of using them. The group will rally around his partner.

At dinner, one of the Kiwis will offer half-hearted condolences to the Australians on their win over South Africa in a cricket tournament. Understand that even though Australia won, they didn't get the bonus point, so it's NZ vs SA in the finals. Diffuse the trans-Tasman anxiety by admitting to dating, very briefly, a cricket player.

"Well," one will say, "he must have been very patient."
"Yes," another will agree, "and tidy."

The second day is three or four hours through dense forest from Furneaux Lodge to Punga Cove. Lots of time for chatting and it comes out that, like Captain Cook, you came to New Zealand on a sailboat.

No one asks what the most beautiful anchorage was, or the most colourful fish. They want to know about bad storms, sharks, and waves taller than the Sky Tower. What they want, are tales of destruction and near-death experiences. They want to know that their guide has faced adversity and won. That you have looked into the eyes of fate and laughed out loud. That you can handle a disaster and come out smiling. They don't want to know that one of your journal entries begins: 'I am scared all the time,' or that when faced with adversity, you clutch your stuffed clown and weep.

They ask if you've had any medical emergencies."You know, broken legs, dislocated hips, heart attacks? Strokes?"
"No," thank whatever higher power is listening.

The third day has the reputation of being the most demanding. But this seven-hour ridge walk overlooking the Kenepuru and Queen Charlotte Sounds will be your favourite. Don't tell them that the fourth day is actually harder, with longer climbs and steeper hills. As it is, you are blamed for everything. "You're not going to make us climb another hill are you?" they'll ask, at the base of another hill. Remind them that the food portage is the best yet and their wine list is longer. Today, you will become confidante of any teenagers in the group.

Day four begins with a grunt and it's time to bring out the big guns. Play 'I spy with my little eye', whether or not there are children. Offer to carry packs, give them your water and massage their feet (only if there are children). Make sure you walk with each person, especially the loner. Gather the group at the 1-km-to-go marker, Don't tell them that the jetty is two kilometres beyond Anakiwa.

To be a guide, it's important to know first aid and have a grasp on geography, world affairs and fitness. You will be quizzed, "How much water should we drink in a day?", "Who was the Prime Minister in 1965?", "How tall is George W?". Know these things. But above all, know this. Next Monday when you tell the new people that King George III was mad, this group will be back in cubicle-land and your photo will be in their albums. When you put on your wet, muddy boots, the women in this group will be stepping into heels. And when you're on the top of a ridge looking across the ocean, they're in their high-rises, looking right back.